A Parody - by wwWizard2k (don't hate me for the length - it's a **bleep** long song).
Ladies and gentlemen of the transition of '05...
If I could offer you one tip for the future, EVADE COMBAT 1.0 would be it. The long term benefits of Evade Combat have been proved by the media, expert developers, and players like you.
... Wheras, the rest of my advice has no basis more realiable than my own sorry attempts at carebear PVP.
I shall dispense this advice... now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of level 15; Oh, nevermind; You will probably spend 8 straight days levelling until 50. But trust me, 35 levels later, you will look back at screenshots of yourself and recall, in a way you can't grasp, how much content lay before you, and how cool your unbuffed clothes looked... You weren't as much of a noob as you imagined.
Do one thing, everyday, that scares the devs.
Jump.
Don't be reckless with your concealment countermeasure device, and don't put up with people who are reckless with theirs.
Sneak.
Don't waste your time flaming area chat. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind... the gankers are everywhere, and in the end, the only game buttons that are guaranteed to work are ALT and F4.
Remember the shout-outs you received, forget the flames. If you succeed in doing this, /tell me how.
Keep your old event items, recycle those +5% VR pants Tengu just gave you.
Dodge.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your loadout. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at level 22 what they wanted to do with their characters. Some of the most interesting level 40's I know ... still don’t
Get plenty of Tactic Boosters.
Be kind to the reds, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll roleplay, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll go Ballista, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll get married to TBone and have a son called the "chosen One" who's armies of red-eyed Stormtroopers, wielding Treebanes, will defeat the Masked Agents on the continents of Auraxis...
...
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance, and in the end, we're all a bunch of life-noobs who can't go outside.
Enjoy your Code Shock 1.0, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the most unfair-yet-childishly-awesome ability you’ll ever load.
/Dance4…even if you have nowhere to do it but in the middle of "Zion retakes Mara - Chapter 5,972".
Read the strategy guide, even if it is no longer useful.
Do NOT compete in party beauty contests, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your LET team, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to faction-mates. They are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that your buddy list will grow and shrink. But for the precious few you convince to use Ventrilo, work hard to bridge the gaps in faction and organization. Because the more Everquest/SWG fanboys who sign up, the more you'll need the people you knew when MxO was still Matrix related.
Play on Vector once...but, leave before it makes you hard. Play on Syntax once, but leave, before it makes you soft.
Use the subways.
Accept certain inalienable truths: $Info will run out, the devs will nerf things. You too will become a jaded forum troll. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that: when you were young, $Info spilled from NPCs by the millions, the devs added daily content ... and nobody trash talked.
Respect teh Walrus.
Don’t expect the idle hardline people to support you. Maybe you have a famous faction, maybe you have a wealthy crew; but you never know when either one will switch to PlanetSide.
Send a /CCR so you can mess with your hair, or by the time the game has 8 SOE expansion packs, it will still be that weird pink-green that you thought looked cool.
Be careful whose threads you read, but, be patient with those who make them. Advice is a form of nostalgia - dispensing it is a way of fishing out a patch from beta, wiping it off, painting over the buggy parts and selling it it for way more than 'lith thought it was worth.
... ...
...
But trust me on Evade Combat…
