The Return 2: The Returninging

Ximanyd3

My plan was so simple. It terrified me. First I must get the death mass and then, I must achieve his death. - Salieri, Amadeus 1984

I've been unsure how to start this post.....I've made several revisions and none seem to truly get the point across that I want to express. There is the constant reminder in the back of my head that tells me that many of you now reading this will not know who I am, and to those who already know of me, they will have already have a picture of me and my behaviour in the back of their mind. This post then should address some issues that I had, and perhaps correct some mistakes and help me re-connect with the community as a whole.

For I, a player who played a role in this orchestra with the keyboard for an instrument, did not seat myself well with those around me during troubled times. My behaviour and sadness created a disharmony and to those who were closest to me, I lashed out and hurt them. This isn't so uncommon, I imagine, and I apologize to those who already know this. I came to know many wonders that only this realm could offer, and I came to meet many people that had a profound impact on my life, in more ways than they know.

It pleases me to see that Ridd is returning, as are the Prophets of Peace. They were a strong faction, and I suppose they still are, though I know little of them now. In my youth I played with them, and I grew as a person because of it. To them, I owe a large apology. I left the group and things went downhill for me, the walls closed in and the water began to rise until I could take no more and drowned in my problems. It amazes me to learn that the game was released some time in 2004, and that it has been 4 years hence....in my heart I beg for forgiveness still.

I worked to help with the community, with parties, with those types of endeavours that were so common in the days of radio parties and live events. Not that it mattered to me....it wasn't about helping others so much as helping me to fit in with the world again, and find my place in it. I don't think that it worked, else I would not have left in the manner which I did.

When I left the game world for several months, I always had the notion that I would return to this place again - it is a fragment of my youth, a home, and something precious to me that I cannot all but ignore if I want to truly be free. I must make friends with it, I must not run from it.

One such return brought me crashing down to depression again, as I could not fit in even though I had tried. I had not matured as much as was necessary, and it brought sadness rather than elation. So it was that I had come to realize that the way to rid myself of the game was to kill my character. I would make an impact on the world, and I would die and it would be over...people would rejoice rather than hate, when they thought of me. It didn't work the way I thought it would.

As my digital character entered the void, sent there by the delete function, I breathed a sigh of relief and left the computer for a day or so. When I returned, I was compelled to see if anyone had noticed, or if anyone particularly cared...someone that I had forgotten, someone that would give me an olive branch. Like the ecstasy of being able to attend your own funeral, I watched...and waited....and crept around the shadows like a predator, languishing in the sun during the day for but a little bit of water, wary and cautious of others around me....

The character was no more, but I was still there in various forms - I shall hold nothing back in my confession, friend. I returned most immediately as Magik57, a contrasting figure to my own self-made stoic, Ximanyd. He was some sort of party-animal, and it demonstrated the very basic of needs that I had at that moment - I had to make friends, and I had to have no enemies.
Did it work out that way? I wouldn't know...I came and went and returned in other forms. I won't lie that I had created characters whose sole purpose was to help me further my own investigations of my sexuality, and of those experiences I will say little, but they were very entertaining.

I returned much later as a character named 3Remiel, who was designed to be a full-time roleplayer. The 3 angels in their various forms...the Remiel of the game world, of the forums, and of the person who animated him. Eventually I ran into trouble with a new faction I was part of, and suffice to say I left again. Other games, even one such as the Lord of the Rings, that you would assume would be filled with roleplayers, was very meta on most servers. Granted I was shy, but perhaps I was waiting for it to come to me.

Now it comes to it and I feel as though I have matured enough in my own life and of the virtual worlds that I may return as I once was. I hope that my ego has been abolished, and that I do not think of myself as some sort of heroic figure. Like Salieri, I fell for my envy and my jealously.....but perhaps I am the patron saint of mediocrity as he was. If so, I absolve all mediocre people. SMILEY

Lastly, as I would rather you know here than in the game world, I am openly bisexual. I told my parents only a few days ago, and I'm coming into my own as a new person. As such, I am also single and interested in friends....as that is why I am here, mostly....and I ask that if you would like to get to know me better, please add me to MSN at [email protected]

I've appended a picture of me below. I hope that you will be kind about it. SMILEY

I have missed you, I have been burning to ask your forgiveness....and I will do whatever I must to cement the past and pave it anew with positive feelings.

-X

**Fen**

Ah, Ximanyd. Welcome back. We... missed you.

SMILEY

**MatrixRefugee**

Hee, welcome back!

Ximanyd3

Thanks so much. SMILEY

*hugs* for all!

**Mitrios**

Welcome back man. Any help I can provide you for your return don't hesitate to ask I don't mind.

~M