Short Stories and Constructive criticism

MalakAlhaq

Post any story you would like to get critiqued on.
It goes like this, post a story.
The next person will critique the story, then post their own short story.
The following person will critique thier story, then post thier own short story.
So on and so forth.
Sound like a plan?
I'll go first!

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## Incomming Signal...
## Relay established...
## Recieving Package...
## Opening: MalakAlhaq.Profile
> ...
> Bluepill name: Brett Hecksher
> Handle: MalakAlhaq (Angel of Truth in Arabic)
> Gender: Male
> Age: 18
> Organization: Machine
> Faction: MegaCity Police Department
>
> Background:
Mr. Hecksher Led his life as many do, not sure of things to come, but willing to accept change. He led his life happily. Until he met a man, claiming that in the name of some god named Neo, that he was meant to leave the matrix.
"What is the Matrix", Mr. Hecksher asked.
"Mearly a dream you have yet to wake up from", The man said.
The man claimed to be from a "Holy Land" of Zion, and he told Mr. Hecksher that in order to know what he knew, he had to take a blue pill.

But Mr. Hecksher didn't want to. He was married to a woman he loved. He had two children. He had everything, and was happy. He had no reason to wake up.
He took the redpill, swollowed, and waited.
He was told, that after taking the pill, he would wake up in his bed. Not remembering anything from the night.
"Thank you for your help. You joining the Zion cause will undoubtedly be a great contribution. Neo Thanks you." The man said.
"What do you mean!? I took the Red pill! Let me go home!"
Just then, two men entered the room.
"You are coming with us, my brother. You HAVE to be Freed!", the man said.
"NO!" Mr. Hecksher rose up, and began running for the door.
The two gaurds met Mr. Hecksher with a swift punch to the abdomn, and writhing in pain, Mr. Hecksher backed away from the door.
"Come with us brother. There is now hope for you here", the man said, backing Mr. Hecksher in a corner.
"No! LET ME GO HOME!"

Mr. Hecksher charged again, meeting the man with a swift punch to the face, knocking the man off his feet.
The two gaurds readied an attack and leaped through the air at Mr. Hecksher. He spun, dodging one attacker, but the other hit him at the knees.
A phone began ringing.
The man slowly got up, "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this."
The men got up from Mr. Hecksher.
It was then, he realized that it was his cell phone that was ringing. It was from the home phone number.
"Hello?" Mr. Hecksher said, slowly trying to regain his breath.
"Da-Daddy?" A boy asked on the phone, sobbing.
"Noah, Noah. What's wrong?"
"There are strange men here. They took mommy and told me to call you." Noah whispered. Suddenly, two gunshots rang out through the phone. Two Screams.
Twice the silence.
"You see brother. There is nothing", the man said.
"YOU SON OF A *CENSORED*!" Mr. Hecksher lept at the man, but was greeted with a smash to the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

The men stood over his body.
"Take him to the extraction point", the man said, "We can use his fury."

The Hover Barge that picked up Mr. Hecksher gave him enough time to recover. Mr. Hecksher was lost.
But he knew one thing.
That he was robbed of his life.
And that the Zion fanatics cannot continue.

He was trained.
He was trained.
And he was trained.

That's where I come in.

My name is MalakAlhaq.
I am the evolution. I am the Red pill.
Mr. Hecksher is dead.
I am the Angel of Truth.
And the truth is, The Matrix is made, for people like Mr. Hecksher.
People not ready to be unplugged.
People who live thier lives out in a simulation.
But, what does it matter?
Happiness.
That is was truely matters.
And mine was robbed from me.

I fight for the machines.
I fight for Freedom of choice.
I fight, and I will die, so that no other will suffer as I have.

((Written as a profile.))