I guess the best thing to do when you run out of freinds is make them up.

privaronT

Dear Journal,

I have no idea what I'm writing to. At first when I picked you up today from the store I thought you were a book. Pieces of paper carefully crafted together by the finest slave labor money can buy.
But than I got to thinking maybe your more than a book. Maybe your a last chance at trying to gather my thoughts.
I figure I need someone to talk to right now someone who isn't going to talk back who isn't going to judge me for the things Ive done.
Looks like your the only one left in Mega City. So heres to an honest relationship. Cheers.

Tuesday May 27- 4:19

So Ive been back a few days now its eerie how little things have changed the cloud patterns the stores.. Even at Eber.. the same machines the same jingle coming from their worn out sound boxes.. I hate those machines.
They make me realize no matter what I do no matter how hard I try.. I'm never going to outlive them. I feel like I wasted alot of my life trying to do just that. Can't say I did a very good job at it did I? I mean here I am talking to a *CENSORED* book.

But some things have changed the faces.. the people and who they affiliate themselves with. Honestly the best way to describe it is having taken the red pill all over again. Realizing how little you mean in the scheme of things. How little any of us or the choices we make mean in this place no matter how long we plan them.

No matter how hard we try there always seems to be another carefully crafted illusion to tear us down but who needs that when were still arguing about the same crap two years later anyways. It honestly makes me glad I'm in the position I am now. I feel like what I'm going through is a way of God giving me some peace of mind knowing I'll be given a final punishment.
Fact is I can't hate em for it I think it might just be the most compasionate thing he could have done for me.

But how can I be sure..? Isn't God just a system of control? Maybe it's me punishing myself. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I got so good at lying I'm lying to myself now. Wouldn't be shocked.

They did say the mind couldn't survive without the body. All of this just makes me want to give up. But Eternus taught me one thing.. theres always a higher iteration of hell you just have to go looking for it. Hopefully I can save her from finding herself there before its to late.

Maybe if I do it God will end it quicker. Finish the *CENSORED* job already. But even than I'm still scared of death. For instance that van that just pulled up to my house and stopped. You know it could be anyone. Freinds who I betrayed with the best of intentions. Enemies I lacked even a minimal level compassion for as fellow human beings. And people who's good nature I used against them.

But I guess its the fear that makes me realize how much work I have to do. How little I've really accomplished as a person. Because if I really think about it its not death I fear. It's dying without anyone knowing the truth. It's that funeral where not a single person from my past has a good thing to say about me. And its knowing deep down that they might have been right all along.

Privaront

privaronT

Wednesday, May 28 8:58 AM

Sorry for my last entry. I suppose it was a little melodramatic. I guess a lack of rest and a hard life does that to you.
With that said I want to explain to you about what I mean by a hard life. Eternus. Although it sounds like a state of mind and it is I assure you it's much more than that and simply classifiyng it as such would be a dis service to the prison itself and the people I served there with.

The first thing you need to get about Eternus is it isn't exactly your regular penetentary where they sepperate Male from female blue from red.. exile from well I don't even know what the hell I am anymore.. Probably just fried. Truth is they don't need to. It's almost like a game to them putting us into positions in which they know we would fail only to punish us for them.

Either way this place to say the least is a cultural pressure cooker of all thats been wrong with the Matrix for the last 7 iterations.. It's a pretty scary place if you don't know how to navigate it. But with that said its what changed me. It's what made me the man I am today. And I have no regrets. I carry that infinity sign on my left foot with pride now. More pride than I ever got from a stupid puzzle. Because if you can survive Eternus you can survive just about anything. Well maybe not her.. but at least it put me in the right direction.

My first day in Eternus was a blur.. honestly I wasn't sure if I was dreaming dead or both.. that's the one thing you learn after becoming a machine lab rat. Death isn't as simple as people would like to think.

I think the first time that it kicked in that I survived I wasn't sure what to think. I mean this unraveling your mind crap can get pretty tiring especially when you have a self aware mental illness. It becomes like a game of dyslexic chess.

I think I felt a level of relief though out of instinct. Than the first thing that hit me after that though was the information I had on these people. How stupid I was to think that I could dig up a few skeletons in peoples closets and make it into a negotiating tool.

That's the thing about blackmailers.. its just cheaper to kill them.

Privaront

privaronT

Wednesday May 28, 9:46 AM

Let me tell you a little story first to let you understand something about me and what I mean by her.

Cryptos tried to tell me about his condition I would say a good three months before things went down. That's the thing I was always a smart guy but way to pre-occupied with myself. I was sitting around pouting pretending I wasn't getting the respect I deserve from the Cypherite's and I was so bitter I couldn't even realize Cryptos was trying to give me the greatest gift of all. A moment of truth. I think Veil is going to be having hers very soon. And I don't think shes as capable of crawling out of that darkness as he was.

See Veil's hurting alot inside.. forget looking at her as a Cypherite controller look at her as we did Morpheus early on as a human being with intricate self induced problems. Hell alot like me. Violent sick and lost. I think that's what that letters purpose was. It was to help cure her of that. But honestly I'm really scared she's going to take it the wrong way because if us Cypherites are good at one thing its taking things the wrong way.

And truth be told I can live with failing Cryptos he was a mentor. Veil could only be described as my favorite character in my favorite book ever created. But thats the thing about this book. It's not being finished written yet and I think with alot of work and selfless sacrifice of my ego I can maybe at least work towards creating a conducive situation to help her find the clarity she needs as a woman.

As for the choices she's going to make they could be endless like the iterations of the Matrix. It could be to find peace of mind with someone who's hurting as much inside as she is. Michael. It could be finding another iteration that allows her some rest. Fact is I don't care what choice she makes. I just want it to be the right one for her.
Because thats the right choice for me.

With that said you might not be hearing from me for a few days.. things have come up. She was right all along though. Peace never goes as planned. But see thats the secret to peace and me for that matter. If first you don't succeed try try again.

Privaront

SaintDaniel

Reincarnation is achievable

**xxamelxx**

Well done..

Continue.....

**Synapse777**

You know I'm watching, and that self pity won't get you anywhere. So, you can do it? Or are you opting out. Make or break, do or die, I could go on. Hope you like your new best friend, I'll be watching.

privaronT

Sunday June 01 2008

So I met this guy at Mara church this morning and man was I glad I decided to wake up early.. His voice was troubled but in a weird way it really put perspective into all this.. perspective I think I may have lost inside. But the key to self realization is finding which mental barriers are there to be broken down for your enlightenment and which ones are their for your own protection. I have some choices to make in the next few days about this information but I know one thing its big..

Privaront

**AkemMachine**

it's like a division sign

**Synapse777**

You got it wrong Akem, look at my sig, now that's a division sign.

**Lezel**

Synapse777 wrote:

You got it wrong Akem, look at my sig, now that's a division sign.

When I see your sig ..all I can think of is Slipknot

**Synapse777**

And that's all in all not a bad thing now.

privaronT

Maybe I should have just stuck with the journal... some people really know how to get under your skin

**Synapse777**

My my, what a pretty lass you found there. I'm still watching.

privaronT

FRIDAY-June 27th 12:04 PM

It's been awhile since I last wrote you but what the hell.. I'm a glutton for punishment and honestly I doubt you can do a whole hell of alot worse to me than what I already have. No you know what I know you cant.

Things change.. but the pain people are ever intent to cause for one another is an infinite cycle it seems. These days I don't do much hating or fighting for that matter fact is I'm just a little to empty inside to find the strength. I just listen. To people to problems I try to figure them out. Maybe Incrypt was right about why I do it. But is that so bad? Most people try to fix themselves through a wake of violence in this place or a cascade of carefully crafted lies in an attempt to manipulate others souls for their selfish means. I simply wish to find silence for them. Not with a barrel of a gun not with a silver tongue but with a level of self decomposed compassion that has become my life. Even on my best day I still find myself giving into such emotions from time to time and it strikes me as a bit hopeless to ever think I will ever be fully devoid of such hurtful things after the choices I have made for myself and others I failed.

Zion seems to be the worst these days. Not that I can blame them. Suffering a systematic genocide cant be easy for a nation. It breeds a level of bigotry and defensive thinking that I can't help but feel they may be a little bit entitled to after what their loved ones and them have suffered these years. But it seems like all nations their memories are cloudy and their views distorted by their past suffering. But not all of Zion was bad which is why it bothers me to know that the work I conduct on a daily basis with my research is so harmful to those that don't deserve it. Who knows maybe nobody deserves this type of war.

But this isn't our war E Pluribus or the Cypherites. Were fighting our own war we wage on our damaged souls. The people we miss and can't go back to the people we left behind and failed. I don't think any of our families or friends would have wanted to see us in this sad state. Like alot of blues we try to find our clarity in a pill. How naive... We think we can solve this problem by drugging the masses by forcing our distorted views on them while putting the shambled ruins of our lives on display expecting humanity to adapt to it. Give me a break we already lost if we cant move on. And who am I to talk? Probably the biggest hypocrite in this entire simulation because I get it and I don't try to do anything about it.

Zion and the Machines attack us they consider us terrorists or traitors to our nations. Id love to see either side ever try to make a genuinely strong argument that I ever belonged to either society. That I ever caused more terror than I saw.. or that I ever betrayed a people who never accepted me as one of them in the first place. I sit here in the dark of this hovercraft and the only thing I can think of is why I took the red pill. To find a level of truth to find a level of peace in my life to find a way to fill a hole. What's the difference? A hover craft.. a slum apartment in Guinness Lake. They say they offered me truth what truth? Political monotony? The murdering of those that are different? Self imposed views of what freedom and choice is? Give me a break.. I never pulled a jack I never wore a mask. The one I wore was on my soul to keep people like this from really killing me. And I never followed the tenets of a dead man who couldn't realize sometimes real love is giving it up to God.

Good times indeed. And they wonder why I drink.

**MXOMastatec**

Dude, you should go to the bars i go to...