Déjà vu

**Cadsuane**

When I was younger I'd read everything I could get my hands on. Even then I knew that a good book could take you to worlds that, while fantastic, were as real as you wanted them to be. The lessons you could learn with your nose between the pages were even more real, the sort of real that you knew would never let you down no matter what happened to the world around you. CS Lewis and Anne McCaffrey became surrogate parents when my own weren't around or were too busy to spend time with me. The worlds between the margins became a playground more vast and beautiful than the best the world around me could provide. As I grew, I acquired new surrogates, foster parents and caregivers who each had a tale to tell and a lesson to pass on. The worlds I held inside grew with me. I was changed by the stories I knew and in turn changed the world around me to suit the story I wanted my life to write. It's impossible now for me to view the world without a narrative framework, so maybe I'll be able to make some sense of the path that brought me here by writing it all down. Fact or fiction, it's up to you.

After my rebirth, I was unchanged but not the same. I learned that the right book, at the right time, could take me to worlds that were all too real. Encapsulations of failed paradigms that taught the kinds of lessons that you wouldn't want your kids to know. Ghosts and ghouls became uneasy teachers in tactics and strategy when there was no one else to show me which rules could be bent and which rules could be broken. The worlds behind the bookshelves became a proving ground harsher than any university or sports field. As I grew, I acquired the skills, talents and determination to learn the lessons and live to tell the tale. I outgrew those worlds and left them behind. I was changed again by stories and passed them on in turn, changing the people around me to suit the story I wanted my new life to write. It's impossible now for me to view the world without its hidden framework, so maybe I'll be able to make sense of the path that brought you here by writing mine down. Cause or effect, it's up to you.

**Rarebit**

Nice poses!

**Cadsuane**

The most disconcerting thing about growing up was learning to look after myself. Nothing in my upbringing had given me the independence I found I'd need to function as an adult. Renting my first apartment, paying the bills, and knowing that just outside the door was a city full of places I could go where no-one would be watching over me. Eventually I built up the confidence to try all those things I'd only seen in movies. I experienced the city for the first time, the high places and the low. It was all terribly cliche in hindsight but at the time it was life to the fullest. The influence of stories again I guess. The constraints of life under my parents' roof were gone and I was free to write the story I wanted. I made it up as I went along, without a thought to where it would take me. Sometimes I wonder if my destination was inevitable.

The most jarring thing about the transition was learning to defend myself. Nothing in my past life had prepared me for the violence I found waiting in abundance for new operatives. Reloading weapons, dodging bullets, and knowing that any move I made could place me just a breath away from a painful near-death experience. Eventually I built up the confidence to try all those things I'd only seen in movies. I experienced war for the first time, the victories and the defeats. I always had a safety-net of course but at the time it was death at its' bleakest. Spend long enough in one reality and you'll never really believe it's fake I guess. The constraints of life inside the law were gone and I was free to follow the rules I chose. I could make it up as I went along without a thought of the consequences. Sometimes I wonder if my destination was inevitable.

**XElite**

(Nice story. The repitition provides a very intersting comparative framework which enhances the emphasis of the two apparent parallels).

**Cadsuane**

The first thing you notice is the smell. The taste of the air as it first hits your lungs and suddenly you're filled with the essence of a different world. Next is the street beneath your feet, the texture of new clothes on your skin and the reorientation of gravity. It's not unusual to vomit the first few times - a panicked moment of weightlessness and suddenly 'down' is in a whole new direction. At some point during the chaos your ears will pop and the sounds of the city will filter through to your consciousness. Your visual cortext, being the most complex sensory system, takes the longest to readjust. Your eyes will flicker open and the memories of your past life will come back to you. Everything as it used to be, only now overlaid with those nuances only the awakened can observe. After a while the extra perception becomes a strain but for the moment you feel more alive than before. It's as if the real world is a pale shadow compared to the vivid world manifest around you.

The first thing you notice is the stink. The taste of the air reminds you that no matter what you do, you can never clean the inside of a machine. Next is the reclining chair, the feel of grubby wool on your skin and the redirection of gravity. It's not unusual to pass out the first few times - readjusting your mindset twice in a single day is sensory overload until you're used to it. The thrum of the power cells and the creak of the hull filter through and sound strangely like home. Your eyes take the longest to adjust. At first the light seems dim and the world lacklustre as your cortex searches for a codex of light which isn't there. The memories of your new life come back to you and everything is as it was before. After a while the lack of stimulation becomes depressing but for the moment you can finally relax. It's as if the real world is a brief layover between flights of fantasy.

**Erythnul**

((Very Nice!!))

**Phluff**

((I am REALLY impressed with this... keep going!))

**Marias**

This makes me want to visit NR more often. Exquisite work Cads.

Tenshi

Great work, need any help on future installments?

**Cadsuane**

It's like coming home from boarding school and finding your parents haven't touched your room. Everything is as it was, but the feeling of 'home' has gone. It's everything you remember but not how you remember it. Returning to your old life is not an option, it wouldn't be the same even if you tried. You can go to that coffee shop, you know, the one you go to every morning just to flirt with the hottie behind the counter. But no matter how you smile and joke, you can't forget the things he knows nothing about. Like a wicked harpy hovering over our shoulders, the wings of the war buffet our lives no matter how tightly we button our coats. Mathematically perfect rain will still chill you to the bones.

It's like coming-to in a hospital ward but not remembering the accident that put you there. All your body parts are there but you had to make sure. There's a black gap in your memory and the things you do remember don't make sense. Returning to your old life is not an option, you wouldn't be the same even if you tried. You can sing the jingles that got stuck in your head or tell the jokes that had you rolling on the floor but you won't be able to forget the cold hard truth of your new environment. Like a clockwork nanny watching over our shoulders, the machines control our lives no matter how free we set our minds. Tempestuous winds still chill me to the bones.

**NegativeEight**

[[lovely work Cad

really ^_^

**Phluff**

NegativeEight wrote:

[[lovely work Cad
really ^_^

Ditto... keep it up! SMILEY

**Yasamuu**

((Great work Cads, really enjoyed viewing this. More of the same, please. :p ))

**Cadsuane**

It might just be me, but the corporate 'uniform' seems just like a formalisation of the uniforms I wore as a child. Like an endless progression of uniformity designed to reach the very soul of whoever wears it. I resolved it would not happen to me. I remember feeling a nervous tingle crawl up my spine as I crossed the lobby of the building where I found myself working. The security guards gave me intense, calculating looks - but only for a moment before breaking into a courteously friendly expression and ushering me onward. I wondered for a moment if my new occupation would leave me as critical as they but I pushed the thought aside. They had their job to do just as I had mine, they were there for my protection after all. A new career beckoned.

It might just be me but the enhanced uniform seems just like the uniforms I wore as a part of the corporate machine. Like and endless expression of uniformity proclaiming that here stands an element of the system. And I thought it would never happen to me. I remember feeling an excited tingle race up my spine as I entered the lobby of the building I'd been assigned to work in. The security guards gave me intense, calculating looks - but only for a moment before looking away and pointedly trying to ignore my presence. I wondered for a moment if my new occupation would leave me as oblivious, but I pushed the thought aside. They had their job to do just as I had mine, I was there for their protection after all. My new career began.

Tenshi · 05/14/2008 04:13:02

Best one yet. Please continue...